***I blog for 2 reasons. First, for my children. Since I gave up scrapbooking over a decade ago. This is a place where I can collect pictures, stories, and memories of them growing up. Someday, I’ll have it printed into a book for each of them. And that will be there “scrapbook”. Second, for our friends and family who live far away. It gives us a way to stay connected at a glance. To be a part of each other’s life, even when we are 3000 miles apart. So today, this letter is for my children. I have thought and thought of how best to write about this. And a letter keeps coming to mind. It seems the best way to remember what happened. ***
My Dearest Little Children,
I am so sorry. As I sit up late tonight, all the lights turned off, teeth brushed, and each of you in bed, I hear your sobs. I hear your crying. I am crying too. If only I could just turn the clock back a day. I had no idea that we would all be heart broken tonight. I am so sorry.
I remember the day we got Toffee. She was barely 6 weeks old. She was beyond excited when we met her at the park that day. Yet, she had definite signs that she had not been loved before. I can’t think of a better place for her to have spent the next 18 months of her life than in our home, a part of our family. I have loved watching her grow. I have loved watching each of you fall in love with her. She was my first dog. And each of yours first dog. I loved how gentle she was with each of you. Even you, little Jules. When you would just lay down right on top of her, she would patiently wait for you to get up. Joshua, I loved watching you and Toffee just 2 days ago playing out in the front yard. You were making her run around the two big rocks, making big circles, and then sharing a little piece of your candy with her when she came back to you. It was the perfect picture of a boy loving his dog unconditionally. My heart overflows with happiness that you shared that afternoon with her.
Her favorite things to do was to chase after you children in your play. Jumping through piles of leaves, racing along side you on your bikes, running across the fields. She loved being with each one of you. Many a day I stood at a window, watching you playing, and seeing Toffee right there by your sides. I felt safe with her here. That was one of the reasons we chose to get a dog. To keep the cougars and bears away. As she grew, the more confident I felt with you outside, knowing Toffee was always there on guard for you children.
Oh, my children. I want so badly to wake you up in the morning and see her on our front porch. Waiting for her breakfast. Tail wagging, ears perked forward in that crazy way she did. But she won’t be there. Daddy buried her out in our field. Under the Maple tree. He wanted a special place so that you could know exactly where she is. So that we could go and mourn for her. So that when we missed her, we would know she was there. As I have wiped your tears today, held your sobbing little bodies, watched you grieve the loss of our dog, I have felt so helpless. We didn’t even have a chance to save her life. To say goodbye. I didn’t even know she was dying. I am so very sorry. But I know that Toffee loved each of you. She loved this home and all the attention she got from each of you. She hardly suffered. For this I am so very thankful.
I know over time the pain will be less. The memories farer away. But it’s OK to cry right now. It hurts to lose something that you love. So just come, and I will hold you and we will cry together. And I will wipe your tears. I love you.